Thursday, December 31, 2015

_News: I finally read Amy Pohler's memoir. Your turn._

So sorry, I haven't been very active here as of late. Finals and Christmas events and publications and many other things have been happening, all of which are time consuming and none of which are interesting. I've considered writing a few things on life in general, but when starting out those posts out they always somehow turned into self-centered brag/whine fests which I chose to spare you, the valued reader, from. Instead, here are is a moment in my life involving Aldi.

Let me set up the scene. At church, where I work for the money cash, we decided to make a movie for our Christmas event this year. We've been working on it for MONTHS, and now it's coming down to a weekend. Lots of things to talk about when it comes to this but let me single out this one moment. One of the last things to do when planning an event is the food.
_Side note: This implies that food is a last minute detail. FALSE. It is last on the list but by no means a last minute detail. You food gathering to anything less then two weeks before then you, dear reader, are dead in the water.
Anyway, it falls to me to take care of this detail, seeing as I am the "office administrator." (Been rocking that title since 2014 and I'm still not entirely sure what it means.) Many things on the list that I need find, order, and pick up. I'm spending the weeks checking all these things off my list and it comes down to 50 bags of hot dog buns, which I've been specifically instructed to get from Aldi.
Are you sure? I say. We can just as easily get them from Costco or Sam's club. 
No no. They say. Aldis has them for 50 cents. 
Can't argue with that logic. I say.
So I try calling Aldi to have them set aside the buns. Do you know what Aldi's automated phone response is. It's a short message, not even thirty seconds long, and it goes something like this.
_Thank you for contacting Aldi US.
The phone numbers for our stores are unlisted, which is part of our business model, which helps keeps costs low for our customers. To learn more, go to our website._ And then it hangs up on you. You know what else Aldi does? They lock their grocery carts. You have to have a quarter in order to use a shopping cart. And whenever you have the great grace of not having to use a quarter, it's the freaking lotto. You are set for life. (At least, that's how people act.) Any way, I'm at the door and realizing I cannot acquire a shopping cart (a problem I never dreamed I'd ever have) and I'm praying they have enough buns. Never mind how I'm going to get them out of the store. Sure enough they do, so I just have to cart them out of the store. Problem. No cart. So I go up to the cashier. He, probably having dealt with weirder requests in his time, happily helps.
We cart the buns up and he rings me up. No bags, by the way. That's another thing. Aldi's doesn't give you bags. You bring your own. I don't know if it's dawned on you yet, reader, but I was woefully unprepared for what was supposed to be a simple visit to a grocery store. So I stand there, 50 packs of hot dog buns, paying with my personal debit because they also don't accept credit cards. People are staring. This does not surprise me.
You having a Christmas party? Cashier asks.
Oh yeah, huge movie event. I say.
What if I told you I wasn't? I wish I said, just to mess with him.
I pay and we part as unlikely friends and I load every bag individually into my car and head to work, weary from my strange journey into the unknown.

Aldi, it's a weird place.
Happy New Years nerds.