the future

     New Years has always-maybe counter intuitively-been a time of reflection. People spend their time looking at the previous year and trying to figure out what went right, what went wrong, just what exactly happened. I could do the same, but there’s not much to say about my year. In fact, it can be summed up in one sentence. 

     It was prep work. 

     I worked on finishing up school. Finishing up my book. Finishing up my part time job. Finding a way to support myself. Trying to cram my creative schedule in there somewhere. Going new places and meeting new people and getting ready for what I will be doing the rest of my life. But now I’m done with all that. It’s time to put all that work to the test. Everything is on me. 

     I.

     Am.

     Terrified. 

     But that’s not a good enough reason to not go forward. 

     For 2018, rather then spending time thinking about how I have changed, I’ll spend it committing myself to how I will change. I’m not going to make promises on about the future, I can’t. But I will set my intention. In order to making it as a content creator, there are things that I need to get over. 

Thing is, if you’re reading this, you probably know me personally. Maybe we went to school together, or you go to the church which just last week was the job I left, maybe you just passively followed me when I was still with Geeks Under Grace. More likely, you’re friends with my mom on Facebook.* 

     That is what needs to change. I need to go beyond the people I know and reach a wider audience. I need to stop relying on the relationships I already have. I’ve been given storytelling, this amazing gift, and for whatever purpose it serves it needs to go farther then my own hands will reach if it’s going to do it’s job. 

     To make that happen, I need to be brave. Because I’m afraid of people. I’m afraid of the internet. I’m afraid that I’ll fail. I’m afraid that success might not be what I want it to be. I’m afraid that making writing my job will make me hate writing. I’m scared. Somedays, that’s all I am. 

     Fear. The thing about it is, it’s the only emotion that they say you should disregarded.** Happiness should be embraced. Sadness should run its course. Anger should be used for fuel. Fear should be worked in spite of. I think the most interesting thing I’ve ever heard about fear is that it’s the only emotion we don’t share with God. God feels Joy and Grief and Righteous fury, but God is never afraid. That is a product of a perspective that we have, moving through time in a linear fashion.***  

     I have no idea what 2018 will be like. Because of that, I’d rather sit here in this uncomfortable in-between then allow for the possibility that things won’t go my way. That is unacceptable. 

     2018 is the year where fear stops making decisions for me.

     Stay tuned.  

*Whatever the case, welcome back. Love having you here, as always.

**WHEN IT’S EXCESSIVE. When fear is telling you not to eat a sandwich full of spiders, fear should be heeded. Also, stop hanging out at that abandoned strip mall. People that go into that boarded up Quiznos never return.

***Insert obligatory Dr. Who reference.